Wanting to lose weight, to me, implies that I would do the work needed to accomplish the goal. I mean, does it make sense to say “I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to exercise or change my diet.”?

If a magical fairy showed up and could grant me the wish of a fantastically perfect metabolism that would allow me to lose weight with no effort, then SURE! I want to lose weight! Sign me up!

No such fairy exists. I’ve checked.


Still, I don’t feel thrilled with what I see in the mirror. Losing weight would certainly make me look much better. Shopping for clothing would be less blood pressure raising.

It’s not easy being overweight. It’s the one major thing I would be happy to change about myself.

So I know for sure that many are wondering “why don’t you just lose weight?” I know losing weight is not necessarily easy for anyone. But believe me when I say it is for sure more difficult for some.

One big goal I have for this blog is to help people understand each other better. In this case it means putting my personal thoughts on weight loss out here for everyone to read. eeeeeeekkkkk… But its worth it if you understand the struggle a little better. If you’re less likely to judge the choices of someone else before you know their story… I’ll gladly share my heart in the hopes that my experiences encourage or enlighten even one person.

WEIGHT LOSS, THE EARLY YEARS

I was a pretty thin teenager. But then again, I didn’t eat a whole lot. I ate some cereal for breakfast, maybe a little side dish of rice for lunch, a small ramekin of cookies and cream ice cream every afternoon, and then a family dinner at home (thanks, mom!). I remember clearly many days when I didn’t eat anything. It was usually Sunday because I could get away with it since our family eating schedule was different. I made up for the not eating on other days though. Even then I really did love food!

Being thin did not feel good. It was a constant struggle to stay that way. Always trying to find new tricks to keep myself away from “bad food.” Every day my stomach hurt. Many nights I couldn’t sleep because of the intense stomach pains.

I went on my first real “diet”
when I was 19 years old. I weighed somewhere
around 125 and was desperate to fit back into my size 2 jeans. A size 4 seemed so
big to me then. Slim Fast to the rescue! I lost a few pounds in a couple of
weeks and was so proud of myself. And hungry… I was incredibly hungry.
 
Nine years ago I was a young woman in my twenties yet again feeling frustrated with my weight. I took a job at a gym, which was a fantastic opportunity to learn and work on my fitness. For a year I worked out for 1-2 hours a day at least 5 days a week. I sat in an infrared sauna at 135 degrees sweating my butt off for 30-45 minutes several times a week. For breakfast every morning I ate tuna packed in water right out of the can and a handful of dry fiber cereal sticks. Lunch was more of the same or for a treat it might be a protein burger (a burger wrapped in lettuce). I obsessed over everything I ate. I allowed myself to snack on prunes if I was really hungry. If it wasn’t full of fiber and/or protein, I didn’t eat it.
 
In that year I was working at the gym, I almost never ate more than 1400 calories in a day. If I ate less I didn’t lose weight. If I ate more I didn’t lose weight. It was a constant obsession to hit that exact goal.
 
In that one year I lost 20 pounds and got down to a size 12. Yep, a whole year of hard work and only 20 pounds of weight loss and 1 size down to show for it.
 
Don’t get me wrong, I looked pretty good. I was strong and physically healthy. I had some serious muscle tone (that has a lot to do with my small weight loss numbers).

How did I feel? Miserable. Sad. Depressed. Every few years since I was a teenager I’ve hit a bought of depression. That year was a tough one. I spent a lot of time in bed watching TV and crying. Being the strongest physically that I’ve ever been did not make me at all happy.

 
My next “big” weight loss was a few years later. I had gained back all of the weight I previously lost and then some (typical). I was appalled to find myself moving up to a size 16. I had a career that I absolutely loved, a nice little house, a wonderful husband, two adorable dogs, and I was fat and happy. Except I wanted to scratch out that fat part. So I joined a gym and took up running. I freaking HATE to run. But I did it. For an hour every day after work I ran. I skipped the weight training at that point because I wanted to see the scale move. I cut calories back to 1200-1300 a day. I did lose weight. How did I feel? Here’s a list:
  • Frequent hypoglycemic episodes (shaking, nauseated, sweating, clammy, blurry vision, panicked feeling) – this also happens to me when I have tried to jump-start weight loss with a low carbohydrate diet.
  • Constant hunger.
  • Always extremely tired.
  • Had a hard time focusing on tasks at work.
  • Felt very irritable.
  • Daily struggle with Achilles tendonitis, aggravated by frequent treadmill and elliptical use (and seriously, it hurts!).
  • Afternoon headache and strange “sick” feeling. I had blood work done on multiple occasions to try to understand this problem. None of my doctors could find anything wrong. But every single afternoon by 3pm I came down with a dull, aching head ache and a strange pressure from about my chest up. No idea why, and this always happens when I’m restricting calories.
  • Increased acid reflux and IBS flare ups.
All of that daily pain and frustration that seemed to take over my life… and I lost 20 pounds in 3 months. Worth it? Meh… not really.

SKINNY GENES… THAT’S NOT FAIR

In the past I spent too many dinners feeling confused about how my skinny friends could be eating big cheeseburgers and fries with a milkshake while I, the big girl, sipped my diet soda and a bowl of soup. I’ve watched much thinner friends eat multiple burritos while I eat one. Tonight I just loved hearing the skinny lady at DQ tell me how much she loves the new apple pie sundae and she ate two for dinner.

I certainly do have moments when I eat what I want and as much as I want… the majority of those moments being in the past year… but for the most part I eat a totally normal amount of food. The big difference is that I don’t have skinny genes.

You may say this is a cop out; but please, let me have this one.

 
WHY I NO LONGER WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT
 
I’m now in my 30’s and mother to an amazing little girl. To lose weight means daily pain and struggle for me. It means extra time away from that precious girl while I sweat it out at the gym (I’m already away from her too much as I work full-time). It means obsessing over everything I eat and almost always feeling hungry. It means planning every morsel of food that enters my mouth, weighing, measuring, and rationing my food like an addict.
 
Weight loss takes over my life.
 
“Weight loss doesn’t have to take over your life!” you say. For you, it probably doesn’t. For me, it does.
 
I’m done. No more diets.
 
I won’t let my daughter grow up watching me constantly struggle with this. I’m not giving in; I’m getting over it.
 
Don’t pity me for being a “big girl.” I have a wonderful life. I’m really quite healthy and active. I’m definitely happy.
 
 
GOALS FOR A STRONGER ME
 
I do feel that we all should set healthy goals for ourselves. Although I’m not going on any diets to lose weight, I have set several healthy and achievable goals for myself:
  • Drink more water
  • Eat more fruit and vegetables
  • Move more

To accomplish these goals I am going to start out my day with a full bottle of water and a serving of fresh fruit at breakfast time. Starting off well is always an energy booster for me. I’ve also decided to join our local YMCA which offers a great childcare program so I can bring my daughter to the gym with me when I can get there for a 30-45 minute heart-healthy cardio session (great immune system boost too!). I’m actually excited to cram myself into a bathing suit and swim with my daughter at the pool too.

NO MORE WISHING

Sometimes I imagine what life would be like if things were different. What if I was prettier, skinny, had better skin, wealthier? Add Adele’s voice and my dreams have come true.

I’ve always wanted a tattoo and I always say I’ll do that when I’m skinny.

I love water parks and for years now I’ve said we’ll go to one when I’m down to a certain weight.

No more wishing. No more waiting to live my life.

I’m giving up waiting to capture what alludes me. I choose to be happy now. I choose to be me now.

MY WEIGHT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU

If you’re super fit, that’s great! For real, I’m happy that you’re happy. But you reaching your goals really does not motivate me. I’m not in the same place as you. I’m totally thrilled for you that you’re fit and thin. Now, you can feel free to be happy for me that I’m strong and fulfilled in my life doing the things that matter to me.

I don’t want a trainer. I don’t want to be pushed. I’ll just take acceptance, thank you.

Plus cute clothes in my current size… I’m throwing out my “goal” clothes.

23 Comments on Why I Don’t Want to Lose Weight

  1. Clare Speer
    May 7, 2015 at 12:40 pm (3 years ago)

    I struggle with this – I have always been a "large" girl – but my daughters have lost quite a bit of weight – for me I love your comments about the drinking water and eating more fruits and veggies! I also need to get into an exercise plan…..

    Reply
    • Help Doctor
      August 13, 2015 at 7:32 am (2 years ago)

      Hey Guys…! I love your website! I got my herbs from Dr Akim. I just wanted to advise you about Dr Akim. he is the best and his herbs can make you slim and smart in just two weeks and about 4 days..that is why i wrote this post… i was so fat that no one had interest in me..i have tried many exercises and medications, but it didn’t work, until i got to meet Dr Akim on a magazine where i got his email address.. i had to contact him because i had almost lost hope.. so when i did, he replied and told me what to do and when i got his herbs, i used it and i started seeing changes in my body and i lost weight and now i look so slim, smart , sexy and fabulous ..I just wanted to let you guys know! that Dr Akim is the one and only helper I really appreciate all his help and how they are geared towards leading a healthy lifestyle 🙂 ! All the best! Oh and his email is bestlovedoctor@yahoo.com thanks

      Reply
  2. Jennifer Roberts
    May 7, 2015 at 6:10 pm (3 years ago)

    Great post. I've pinned it onto my Positive Body Image board.

    Reply
  3. Abi @ Joy In My Kitchen
    May 7, 2015 at 6:46 pm (3 years ago)

    Well written, Carissa. You've identified great goals that you can achieve success in. I'm glad you've discovered a place of contentment with who God has made you to be. Enjoy!

    Reply
  4. Sarah Stuff
    May 9, 2015 at 3:58 am (3 years ago)

    thank you..thank you thank you…i felt like i was reading my own story minus the being thin as a teen ive always been bigger…but the parallels are eerie..i get the same feelings when i diet, struggled with pains in my stomach but all tests come back notmal..im trying to learn to accept myself how i am and i loved reading this

    Reply
  5. Stephanie Volkert
    May 10, 2015 at 12:46 am (3 years ago)

    You said, "What if I was prettier, skinny, had better skin, wealthier? Add Adele's voice and my dreams have come true."

    I've been a size 0 and 1 all my life. Know what it got me? Nothing. Not one damn thing positive from it. I have IBS and gastritis. I have macrocytic anemia that requires lifelong monitoring and B12 shots. Most of all, I have a body that people feel is up for discussion. I am surely anorexic, or bulimic, or some other mental illness, or on the flip side, the luckiest woman in the world. I'm either someone to be jealous of, or someone to hate. I should not eat salad, only cheeseburgers. I shouldn't ever complain about not being able to find clothes that fit (which is a huge struggle for me).

    I am not richer, smarter, or more popular for being 95 lbs. I did not land a better husband (the first one was an abusive jerk). I didn't come from an awesome family (I won't even dare to describe the things I went through). I didn't get better grades in school or have more friends. The popular girls? I wasn't one of them. I was the person they were throwing food at because I "needed to eat it." The coaches constantly made references to how I was too weak to do anything. I have never been paid higher, got a promotion, or landed a great job because I am thin.

    I tell you this because it hurts me to see women think that being thinner means a better life. It absolutely does not. I have the PTSD and the lasting self-hate over my own body shape to prove it.

    Reply
  6. Nicole
    May 11, 2015 at 1:55 am (3 years ago)

    In my thirties also, and finally feeling just recently totally content with how I look. I could be super skinny. I've done it, but I feel the same way. It means time away from my kids. It means time away from so many other things I want to spend my time on. I don't feel at all upset when I look in the mirror anymore. I think your goals are wonderful and healthy and you look beautiful! Found you on the Mommy Monday Blog Hop. Thank you for sharing!

    Reply
  7. Natalie McNamara
    May 11, 2015 at 11:15 am (3 years ago)

    Just love your honesty. Weight and dieting control lives and when you have other lives that are more important – like our beautiful children, it then seems pointless. The less you think about weight, the more comfortable you become. Good for you to finally stop – I stopped ( mostly) when my first was born 15 yrs ago).

    Reply
  8. Tanya @ Moms Small Victories
    May 14, 2015 at 12:37 am (3 years ago)

    I'm happy to hear you are working on being happy in your own skin. Be the happiest version of yourself and your beauty will shine through. I think you are beautiful! Thanks for sharing with Small Victories Sunday linkup as always. I love seeing a post so personal and inspiring to all of us who struggle with weight and our self-perception. Pinned to our linkup board. Hope you join us again this weekend.

    Reply
  9. Melissa French - The More With Less Mom
    May 14, 2015 at 3:10 pm (3 years ago)

    You look awesome. It's terrible how girls obsess about being tiny when they don't know how beautiful they are, as they are. Thanks for posting. Hello from Thrifty Thursday.

    Reply
  10. karen608
    May 16, 2015 at 2:41 pm (3 years ago)

    You look great. Being happy with yourself is the main thing, not what the world tells women to do. I am bigger and need some changes but my goal is a size 16-18, so it is more doable and reasonable. I am not going hungry. I will be over weight at my goal weight. but I don't have skinny genes either. Just looking for healthy and contentment. You are so wise for being in your thirties!

    Reply
  11. Brittany at Equipping Godly Women
    May 17, 2015 at 3:48 pm (3 years ago)

    Been there. I was blessed with "skinny genes" and I was still anorexic in high school. Not that I'm a mom, though, being skinny seems so pointless. My kids need a soft, snuggly momma who has the energy to keep up with them–not someone who is rail thin, snacking on lettuce all day. I want to be healthy (and yeah, I do want to be skinny–I'm a woman, I can't help it), but it isn't my #1 priority–or even close.

    Reply
  12. Savvy WorkingGal
    May 17, 2015 at 10:53 pm (3 years ago)

    Every time I've been really skinny I starved myself. Much like the experiences you talk about above. I just can't bring myself to do that again. I'd wake up in the middle of the night from hunger pangs. I'd allow myself one soda cracker. I'm now trying to eat only real foods, but to date I haven't lost any weight that I've kept off for more than a week or so. I'm starting to not care that much. I am still at a healthy weight; just not able to fit into my skinny jean. Happy to learn you are at peace with your weight. Being healthy is more important than being super skinny.

    Reply
  13. Brandi Clevinger
    May 22, 2015 at 3:55 pm (3 years ago)

    I think you look amazing! Your confidence radiates and that is amazing in itself!

    Reply
  14. Betsy Finn
    May 30, 2015 at 2:57 am (2 years ago)

    Thanks for sharing this. So often we try to envision life in terms of "when we get there" — but as you've stated, what about right now? It's important to be happy and enjoy life right now.

    I've pinned your post, and am featuring it …thanks for sharing at #SmallVictoriesSundayLinkup …hope to see you again this week!

    Reply
  15. Just Plain Marie
    June 7, 2015 at 12:22 pm (2 years ago)

    At 42, I'm "plump" …. size 14 or 16 (I wear custom made dresses, so I don't know my exact size). Meh. 5' and 150ish pounds – definitely overweight. Doctors say that 130 is the high end of acceptable.

    I've stopped worrying about it. If my weight were causing me health problems, that would be one thing, but it's not.

    From your pictures, you are a beautiful woman, and I'm sure your husband thinks so, too.

    Reply
  16. BonnyVox
    June 30, 2015 at 11:50 am (2 years ago)

    Looking at your pictures, I keep thinking, "But…she looks healthy, vibrant and GORGEOUS!" I mean, those beautiful eyes, that perfect smile…you've got it goin' on, girlfriend! I have struggled with my weight all my life (oh, to be a size 8 again, back when I first thought I was "fat"). I've shared your story in the Facebook group I started, inspired by my niece (15 years old today), My Size Does Not Define Me. You are a shining example of someone who refuses to be defined by her size. Thank you for that. (Oh, and stop by for a visit if you're so inclined: https://www.facebook.com/groups/mysizedoesnotdefineme)

    Reply
  17. Help Doctor
    August 13, 2015 at 7:33 am (2 years ago)

    Hey Guys…! I love your website! I got my herbs from Dr Akim. I just wanted to advise you about Dr Akim. he is the best and his herbs can make you slim and smart in just two weeks and about 4 days..that is why i wrote this post… i was so fat that no one had interest in me..i have tried many exercises and medications, but it didn’t work, until i got to meet Dr Akim on a magazine where i got his email address.. i had to contact him because i had almost lost hope.. so when i did, he replied and told me what to do and when i got his herbs, i used it and i started seeing changes in my body and i lost weight and now i look so slim, smart , sexy and fabulous ..I just wanted to let you guys know! that Dr Akim is the one and only helper I really appreciate all his help and how they are geared towards leading a healthy lifestyle 🙂 ! All the best! Oh and his email is bestlovedoctor@yahoo.com thanks

    Reply
  18. Teena
    September 8, 2015 at 5:52 am (2 years ago)

    Hello, I am a girl and am in my 13's (teen) . I am at risk of overweight ,according to internet, my dad won't let me diet but he tells me to lose weight. I don't want to lose weight but I have to. Can someone help me please?

    Reply
    • Tessa
      September 19, 2017 at 9:29 pm (2 months ago)

      Don’t worry about losing weight. You are fine just the size you are, people have different genes and different sizes they are meant to be and are unhealthy if they fight themselves to go below it. For example, I literally can’t go below a size 12 without starving myself ( even when I was 16) I felt similarly at your age, I too was ‘overweight’ and it led me to be anorexic, malnourished, sick and suicidal. I have since learned that weight is not a determining factor of health, and you do not have to be thin to be happy. I’m proof of that.

      Reply
  19. Connie
    March 10, 2016 at 10:19 pm (2 years ago)

    This is a beautiful story, thank you for writing it.

    Reply

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